The Struggle Is Real

Well kids, it’s not going well.

Remember when last we spoke and I was so inspiring? Remember how I talked about how all that mattered was sticking to the plan and trying my best? Well, it seems that I have decided to try something else instead. I decided to not try at all actually and continue to eat whatever I wanted, as well as maintain my vigorous exercise regimen of walking to the bathroom between episodes of Jessica Jones on Netflix.

**Shakes fists at the sky WHY?!? Why do I do this? Why do I never learn from the guilt I feel for doing the day before? Every time! It seems that every night I sit around and think to myself about eating something…I’m not hungry, I’m not sad, I’m not emotional about anything really, It just sounds good to eat. Also, eating is delicious. So I continue to think about eating for a while. I tell myself that I don’t really need it. I tell myself no. I tell myself that I will be happier with myself if I don’t eat. Then I walk to the kitchen and look at what food is there. Then I decide it sounds really wonderful to eat food and I should definitely do it. Then I take said food to my room to eat so I won’t be spotted. Then I promptly eat the food very quickly and then sets in the immediate regret. I feel no better for having eaten and I remain ashamed until the next night when I do exactly the same thing. This doesn’t even take in to account whatever terrible food choices I have made during the rest of the day.

This will sound remarkably foolish, but somehow I didn’t expect it to be this hard. At the end of last January I embarked on a weight loss plan and, for whatever reason, it stuck. It stuck easily. Obviously it required me to control myself and make difficult choices, but at the time it didn’t feel like a terrible struggle. I did really well with this diet for around 4 months. I certainly lost weight (as evidenced by my one pair of terribly tight pants suddenly feeling rather roomy). I had found that good balance between letting myself indulge on occasion without feeling guilty and knowing when to say no. To be honest, I’m not sure what it was that set me off track, probably something terribly small that no one else would notice. Whatever the case may be, those pants are reeeeaaal tight once again.

I felt encouraged by my success in that last go round so I just believed all those skills and that control would come rushing back to me. Instead the butter cookies rushed to me, and I could not refuse them. They go down so easy, those butter cookies.

All that to say, the struggle is real! It is so real! And, real talk, I feel a bit crushed by it right now. How else can you feel when all your underwear starts to feel a little too tight? I know in my mind that all of this is within my control, but somehow, it feels like it is not. It feels like I have no control. I’m pretty sure it is the cookies with all the control…

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