On the Verge

For most of my life I have prided myself on being in control of my emotions. Sometimes I would credit that to my interest in acting and my logical nature. Whenever I felt something I was always very aware of it and I would analyze it. Why was I feeling this? Was the feeling really warranted in the situation? How did it feel in my body? What actions should I take based on my feelings?

I have always been of the belief that you can’t argue with feelings. If you feel something, you feel it. Whether or not it is justified is another question, but either way it’s there and you have to acknowledge it and figure out how to deal with it. While we can’t necessarily control our feelings we can control our reactions to them.

It is that belief, along with my easygoing nature, which led me to the aforementioned pride in my emotional control. I had become an expert at acknowledging my emotions and quickly reasoning myself back to a calm state of mind. It was my own version of self-soothing. I have never craved “the drama” and I am very introverted so it just seemed easier to learn to handle my own feelings. I almost never cry in front of anyone (unless we are watching a movie, then I definitely cry. I cry in every single movie.) It takes a LOT to make me angry with you. I have always had a generally positive outlook…until quite recently.

Quite recently I have noticed THE SYSTEM IS BREAKING DOWN! It feels to me like an emergency, as I am not used to all this mood swinging. I don’t know exactly why, perhaps it is because all of my self-control is being used to stop myself from eating the bread pudding, but I feel constantly on the verge of RAGE! Or Sadness! Or “I just want to go back to bed!” I have no control left for my emotions. Do I feel angry? Doesn’t matter to me why anymore, I’m just going to sit there and fume because Rachell ate the rest of the spaghetti squash. In my former life (read: one month ago) I never would have been mad at anyone for finishing the vegetables; instead I would have thanked them kindly.

Or, for another example, what is the correct course of action when your mother, who is visiting from out of town, is tenderly putting away all the dishes in your kitchen and asks you where something goes? Well, if you are me and she asks you in the last few minutes of your workout, then you simply furiously huff, “I. Can’t. Talk. To. You. Right. Now!” while wondering in your mind what kind of monster you are becoming.

Not to mention my boyfriend! Oh, my poor boyfriend. Sorry Darling, but that negligible comment you made, well it is going to make me cry. There is nothing I can do about it. I don’t want to be crying about parking, but it’s happening. The whole time I am doing it all I am thinking is, “Stop crying! This is not a good reason to be crying! Save those tears for when it matters!” And yet, down they come. Hot, salty tears streaking mascara down my face. I CAN’T STOP IT! It’s not your fault (Sorry, again.)

So this is a new side effect of this lifestyle change, and I must admit I did not see this one coming! I expected to feel hungry. I expected to feel extreme drudgery regarding working out. I expected to feel sometimes victorious and sometimes defeated. I expected to feel tempted. I expected to feel lots of things, but I didn’t plan to feel them this fast and furious and all. the. time. Here’s to hoping things start to balance out a bit soon, and I maybe get just a little bit of my perspective and control back.


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