I must share this moment of personal victory: I have faithfully exercised 5 days a week and maintained my calories for the last 4 weeks. It has been incredibly difficult, particularly the exercise. I find it much easier to cut out food choices and make better decisions than to exercise. There have been days I had nothing to do and I didn’t get to exercising til around 4 pm simply because the thought of it was so unappealing.
Everyone tells you that you will start to love working out, that you will begin to crave it, but that has never happened to me. I dread it. I have to give myself breathless pep talks as I go. “I can do this! Only one more circuit! When this is over I can watch the episode of The Office where Jim kisses Pam for the first time! *swoon*
People also say they feel better after they work out, and once again, I don’t personally agree. I do feel a massive relief when the workout is done, but that is because it is over and I know I won’t have to do it again until the next day. However, it is because of this struggle that right now I find myself feeling rather victorious. I am actually baffled that I have maintained this regimen. It doesn’t sound like me at all! I won’t lie, I am totally proud of myself because for me this is an Accomplishment with a capital A! I’m certain the process of writing this blog and the accountability of knowing that others may read it has played a significant part in my success this month and I am incredibly thankful for all the encouragement Rachell and I have received.
Here is the funny thing though, even though I have made these great strides and I do feel good I find myself constantly craving an immediately viewable result. After Rachell and I took our epic hike last Monday I got in the car and said, “Whoo…am I skinny yet?!” It feels like so, so much work for so little progress. I know I am a product of a culture that responds to immediate results, but even with that knowledge it sometimes feels like, “What is the point of all this effort if no one would notice except I told them?”
As I stated in my very first blog for this project, I do hope for it to truly be a project about getting bigger; a bigger understanding of myself, of my health, of the way I function with my own beauty in this world. I suppose this is the first lesson. It is one we all know, but one that is hard to accept as reality. Changing the inside is much more important (and much more thankless) than changing the outside. Of course I want to see the outward results of my hard work, but the knowledge that I have had the discipline to make it this far, that is the change that matters. And I am proud of that change.