One Last Hope

“So you wanna be a skinny babe….well Woop-de-do.” “you run round and round the block, until you feel that just won’t do.” 
Have you been in this situation? You’re longings to be “thin” may as well have been the very scene in Disney’s, “Hercules” where the young hero enlist the help of Philoctetes, The Trainer of Heroes. He comes to him with the dream of being a hero, and is even willing to work his heart out. We start that way, don’t we? I started that way. You struggle at first, not as if you didn’t  know this would be very difficult, but you give it the good, “one, two.” Only to have a few days/weeks come an go. Without much progress, you come to the conclusion, maybe next year. I have had the same goal for 6yr+. Each year my monologue has been the same. Dynamic stance with fist in the air, “This time I am going to lose (x) amount of weight by summer!” “As God as my witness, I will never eat sweets again!” But what happens, a little indulgence here, a little convenience there, Starvation to fix the mistake, and drudging through extra exercise to make it up. I fluctuate. It’s not that I have given up on the goal, so… why can’t I attain it? Here’s the thing: Hercules could not go forward with his goal until phil had a change… not of heart, but of mindset. He literally had to have a bolt of lightning strike him to receive an “aha” moment. “Okay…” What was mine?
“Each  scale weighing disappoint, shame, for which there ain’t no diet. So much for excuses, though a girl like you is, asking for a way to fit “THE” frame. The answer is two words…Think Strength!” 
This year I have the same goal, I want to lose weight, but my only hope is to come at it with a change in mindset. What was my lightning bolt? Focusing on weight is not enough….you have to be specific about what you want and what you need.  I heard this advise always given about goal making, “You have to write them down.” This makes them valid and asserts in your mind what you want and will accomplish. I hate running, but I know its a necessary evil. I hate the treadmill and the sweating profusely, but my body needs it. I had to write down what I could, and WOULD do. Summer of last year, I had not met my goal, and I came to the conclusion that I needed a trainer. I panted into the gym like I had always done, but this time I didn’t  want to spend useless energy. I would jog on the elliptical for a while. speed walk on the treadmill for bit, and try my hand at some weights, YET I still didn’t feel energized. I just felt sweaty. I was still doing work, but I wasn’t doing useful work. Then…it hit me. On my way to the gym from school, Sara Bareilles was blasting from my MP3. “How am I gonna get over you,” was my song and I could nail it too, but this time, my Oooos were falling flat. How could this be?!  This wasn’t me. Where was my punch?! I began to think that my core must be weak. When I panted into that same gym, I now had a purpose, I wanted to strengthen my core, but I was gonna need some help. From August until October I worked with my trainer, Andre. Sometimes I hated the things he made me do, but I knew it was for my own good. I was going to sing with Sara again. You know what? I did. I’m getting back on track and can hold my notes a lot better. I still have some way to go as far as my weight is concerned, but I am taking it one strength at a time. I can’t place my success on a number, being 145-150lb.. will not necessarily ensure that I am healthy, nor will it be where my happiness lies. I have to think in strength. “Where do I want to build my strength?” Wanting to be more healthy is too broad.  I could lose all the weight and have sagging skin or not much muscle definition. If I get abs, what kind of abs will i get? will they be nice and sleek like a Victoria’s secret model, or bulky like a UFC fighter? Which is still nice, but still lies outside the lines of accepted beauty, for some reason. Apparently there is a right way to get the right abs. What unneeded pressure and expectation! Anyway, even after I have met the hurdle of losing weight, I would then have to be comfortable with my new body and hope it is molded according to my environments expectations. What a nightmare.
I am starting on a journey to level myself up. I cannot care anymore and I DO NOT care anymore. How I look, is how I look. Six months ago, I had a weak core, but since then, I have leveled up to making it up a flight of stairs without getting winded, and my singing notes have not fallen flat. My jog is actually a jog, and not fast walking. I can do this! YOU can do this too! Let’s change our mindset and not be held down by a number. Let’s think of ways to LEVEL UP!
Climb that uphill slope! Keeping pushing that En-vel-OPE! You’re your only hope, and chick it’s UP…..TO….YOU!!!!

February Guest Blogger: Olivia is a young actress and graduate, with a heart for learning and expanding her horizons. After studying the sciences and theatre, she has a renewed breath for learning more about not only how the world works, but how it applies specifically to people. She is in love with her new found sense of self and finding and developing her own confidence.

**Photo by Jason Sinn Photography

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