A Whole Lot Easier

Sometimes You Gotta Do The Right Thing, Even When The Wrong Thing Would Be A Whole Lot Easier – Tracy Morgan

On an episode of 30 Rock, Tracy Morgan’s wild, comedian character is in the running for a Golden Globe for his dramatic turn in a film called “Hard To Watch” (also known as The Revenant, to the squeamish man sitting next to me at the movies last month). Anyway, his character in the film says a line that the characters on 30 Rock repeat as they proceed to learn their half hour sitcom lessons: “Sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier.” Well damn you, Tracy Jordan… you’re right.

My roommates and I have started looking into renting out a beach house this summer for a weekend of fun with friends. We joked that our summer plan would give us more motivation to go to the gym everyday. This is dangerous territory for me… I have to be careful when I start making a plan to “make weight” for a big event because it undoubtedly encourages unhealthy restricting behaviors that will eventually lead to unhealthy bingeing behaviors. As I speak, there is a bottle of all-natural weight loss supplement pills sitting on my dresser, which have yet to be opened. My Amazon history reveals that the last thing I looked at were reviews for HydroxyCut. I’m just a Google search away from starting another cleanse. And my refrigerator is a hodge-podge of Entenmann’s donuts, romaine lettuce, and frozen pizzas. I’m all kinds of confused right now.

You guys, I just want to be thinner. I’m trying so hard to love myself but I do not. Actually, I’m not even sure if I’m trying all that hard anymore. I don’t want to embark on a long journey of making peace with food and cultivating a healthy lifestyle. I just want to be thinner right now. I want to wake up tomorrow and fit into all of the crop tops and bodycon dresses that the trendy stores have to offer. I want to be able to go out with my friends without feeling like the ugly duckling. I want to lose 100 pounds and ask out the boy I like and have him find me attractive. I want to confidently audition for roles without having to hope that the casting director is open-minded enough to cast a woman of my size. I don’t want to be compared to Queen Latifah anymore.

If one of my friends came to me and said all these things, I already know what I would say to her. “Girl, you need to love yourself! If people don’t love you as you are, they’re not worth it! Queen Latifah is an incredibly successful and beautiful woman and you should be proud to be compared to her!” Sadly, this is not the rhetoric that I repeat to myself. Instead, I find myself looking into more ways to lose weight quickly, because that voice in my head keeps telling me that “if I can just get a head start on the weight loss with pills or diets or cleanses, it’ll all balance out once I get going!” But I’ve done this experiment enough times to know that this simply does not work.

I wish I had something more inspirational to report. But no, right now I am having an extremely difficult time. I’m sick of feeling this way. But if there’s one thing I know it’s that baby steps really do matter. So I am vowing to all of you out in the blogosphere that I refuse to give in to a quick fix diet, pill, or regimen. I may not be able to fully focus my attention on healing from my disorder, but I sure as hell cannot regress into Our Lady of Perpetual Dieting.  Because sometimes you gotta do the right thing, even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier. *roll credits*


Our regularly featured blogger Azriél is a New York based performer with a BFA from NYU’s Tisch School of The Arts. She is a proud feminist, and a not so proudBachelor enthusiast.

**Photo by Leslie Hassler

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Rebecca says:

    Baby steps and loving yourself are hard especially alone. I found that having a partner or partners to be accountable to who encourage you to be your best self in whatever that means is super valuable. Someone I trust and have worked with is Beth Clayton and she is doing a group program again starting April 10. I couldn’t recommend it more to anyone http://www.soulbodylife.com/group-programs/

    Like

  2. PattiP0414 says:

    Yep . . . This is me today. Almost the exact same thoughts!

    No quick fixes. Only Slow and Steady progress. Baby Steps. Baby Steps. 🙂

    Like

    1. Azriel Crews says:

      Thank you so much! Feels good to know I’m not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

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