This week I: quit my dream job, booked four dates, gave my number to a stranger in a bar, and lost ten pounds. Now, you may recall that my only goals for this week were to “get my 5lb chip from Weight Watchers” and “Go on a date.” Instead I did the entirety of the goals for week 1, 3, and 7 (but I cannot presently afford to by myself any of the rewards so that’s fun). This week has been a whirlwind and it’s mostly due to one key factor — Tinder.
On Monday this week I decide to really “go for it” and use Tinder to my full advantage. I sent out the same silly message to seventy-seven men and thirty responded. Out of that thirty, I booked four dates for the week.
The first date was with Body Guard. He stood me up. I put on a dress and everything.
The second was with Quick Wit. He ghosted me after we’d scheduled a time and date, but no place.
The third, Catrick Swayze, ghosted when we had a place and date, but no time.
The forth, Kylo Ren, postponed.
AND THEN there was the mystery of Bar Boy. He was a server I was sort of flirting with who drew a heart with an arrow on my bill, so I left him my number. Then like every self-respecting Millennial, I looked him up on Facebook. I found his profile, but was confused to discovered evidence of a girlfriend. Why would a server with a girlfriend search and find a red marker, draw a heart on a check, AND take the time to include detailed feathers on the arrow during a busy night’s work? … Guess he just wanted my tips (it’s been four days and he hasn’t texted).
Looking back it seems mostly humorous, something straight out of Comedy of Errors or other missed-connection Shakespeare play. But the tragedy is, that it took a lot for me to be that brave… for what?
Although it is Facebook Quiz diagnosed, I have a fairly severe problem with social anxiety. I can mask it okay, but it’s there. It surfaces in the never ending analysis of every conversation I have with someone. It shows up in the panic attacks I have after talking to large groups of people. Or that I do this every time I meet someone new:
It is not easy for me to take off my sweat pants, put on powdered foundation, and speak to the humans in the world beyond Netflix. It’s very difficult. Yes, this week’s harrowing journey taught me things about myself and dating in general, but it would have been great to have some sort of a “Kiss for the Victor” situation. There were no kisses, no one to tell me I looked beautiful, or at the very least no free alcohol for a whole hell-of-a-lot of bravery. [There was an AWESOME night with my best friend Sue where we ate ice cream and watched The Edge of Tomorrow. Sometimes you just need to watch things blow up with your best friend while eating bonbons and that’s okay.]
I wish I could tell you that my recently new-found confidence held up against this torrent of rejection, but that would be a lie. It wrecked me. I offer this clip of an e-mail to my beloved friend Mikael to illustrate the levels of my distress (this was one of the kinder parts of the e-mail).
I am nothing. I am a fat cow. […] I am just a cow, a cow, a cow….one easily cancellable without even the curtesy of a cancel. Those are all the grotesque thoughts of my heart. All the things of which I am ashamed.
So I have deleted my Tinder. I have done so for many reasons and against Ashley’s demands, but I’m done. Not because I am hopeless or ashamed that I did it, but because I have come to appreciate the fact that I am worth more than this. I am worth a good first date. I am worth flirting with someone who actually wants my number. I am worthy of more than being ghosted — we all are, I don’t know why we are doing this to one another. I will continue to put pants on, put Netflix on pause, and speak to my fellow man, but there will just be no more swiping. There will be bravery that is met with passion or at the least compassion — there will be that, at the least, or I shall be moving to Belgium, brewing beer, and becoming a nun (which after this week, sounds pretty awesome).
I have decided to define my worth not by what I do or who I do, but who I am — and that is enough. I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I don’t take no shit from nobody (unless it’s at 3am in a very pitiful e-mail to Mikael, but I will always bounce back and give zero ^%$#@’s).
Weight: 202.5lbs (DOWN TEN POUND SINCE THE START OF EMBRACEABLE!) How do you feel?: Incredible. I am down ten pounds and learning incredible things about myself. Small Victory: I went on a date (yeah, I didn’t put that in the post). I went out with Kylo Ren on Sunday. He was nice. Dating’s the worst. Biggest Disappointment: I drank more alcohol this weekend than I usually do. I counted the calories, but I hope all the sugar doesn’t get me off track. Thing I appreciated about my body this week: I have really strong legs. They are very powerful Reason why I am #embraceablenow: I make a damn good cup of tea.