Women can never catch a break. Everything we have is by the mere sweat, tears, and devastation of the misbehaved women who came before us. We should thank our Suffragettes, Rosa Parks-es, Rosie the Riveters, Frida Kahlos, Marie Curies, and Malalas daily for what they have provided for us. I am ever grateful for the liberties that I posses with such freedom that I have the privileged audacity of taking them for granted (Everyone! REGISTER TO VOTE now!).
Although there are innumerable ways in which women get the short end of the sick because they do not have a stick, one of the more predominant ways is simply biologically. Our female bodies are continually attempting to murder us, and there’s even blood on the sheets to prove it.
Periods are the worst. Seriously, if you believe in the Biblical narrative, God could not have come up with a better curse. Sometimes I don’t even think Satan is that cruel. Here is a dramatization of how I think it all went down…
The Invention of the Period
by Rachell Campbell
God and Satan sit watching Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit while spying on them in the bushes with giant binoculars.
God: Damn. Now I have to curse them.
Satan shrugs and looks though his binoculars again.
God: You’re better at this than me, what should I do?
Satan: For Eve, maybe you could, I don’t know, give her some stomach cramps once in a while–but like, really bad ones?
Satan: Or what if you made her unintelligibly crave something that’s terrible for her until she gives in and feels guilty? Ya, know, psychological warfare?
God: I like that, but — I was thinking more like… what if, once a month she bleeds uncontrollably from her reproductive organs because she didn’t get pregnant BUT once she does get pregnant she vomits every day for three months and her ankles swell and she’s super hot all the time and THEN after about, I don’t know, say, twenty-one hours of intense agony-inducing shock-waves surge through her body, she pushes out a screaming baby that tears her up so badly she has to be sewn back together and wear frozen underwear for a month?
Satan stares awkwardly at God in horror.
Satan: So… that’s a “no,” on cramps and cravings?
God: No, no I liked those ideas — she’ll get those too. Every month. With the blood.
Satan: Okay… and for Adam?
God: He’ll have to work in the dirt.
Satan: Um, what?
God: Work the land, ya know, grow his own food.
Satan: So… Adam gets dirt under his nails and Eve gets blood pouring out of her every month?
God: Oh, I guess that is a little uneven.
Satan: Ya, think?
God: Yeah… I better make Eve bleed for a whole week, since her curse is only once a month and Adam’s is every day. That’ll even it out a bit.
Satan face-palms — End scene.
I mean, right!?!? What is this nonsense!
This week at my Weight Watcher’s weight-in, I was up three pounds. I was mortified, because I had stayed within my points all week, but I had eaten mac and cheese with pie one night. Even though I stayed in my points, I felt like I had ruined all of my progress. “Three pounds!” I said — “It took me three months to lose that and I gained it back with one bowl of mac and cheese?!” But as I was bemoaning my fate, I realized something very important — I’m supposed to start my period this week.
During our periods, our bodies make way for babies by storing fat as if “Winter Is Coming…” It clings to every bit of our insolation. No matter how many times we attempt to convince our bodies that there will be no babies, it remains a hoarder. We can try everything: running, eating asparagus, lunges, but it will still cling to us. It make us bloated and want to eat all the world’s chocolate all at once. It’s the worst.
So this week, I am up three pounds because my body would not let go of a bowl of mac and cheese. This started a chain reaction that lead to eating terribly all weekend. I truly hope I haven’t ruined all of my progress, but if I did, I know how to start over. It would suck, but I can do it — one bite at a time.
Weight: 204lbs How do you feel?: Bloated and rotund Small Victory: I spoke with strangers all weekend, which is never easy — even made some new friends. Biggest Disappointment: I can’t believe I ate the whole thing… Thing I appreciated about my body this week: The liver is an incredible organ. I am glad that it can sort out toxins. This weekend had too many toxins. #embraceablenow: I believe in other people and want to help them succeed.