Victory or Defeat

Does anyone else have the strictest inner diet plan police officer whose punishment of choice is extreme guilt? Yes? No? Is it just me?


Every time I have tried to lose weight in the history of my life this has been a battle for me. I am always trying to find a balance where I maintain reasonable calorie consumption, but also allow myself some indulgences for the purpose of living an enjoyable life. I just feel like I am not interested in a life where I am never allowed to celebrate with champagne or have a piece of birthday cake. Sometimes you just want to eat the cheeseburger and think about nothing except how perfectly delicious it was (Shake Shack). And I think that is ok. I think it is good. I am in control of the food and I can allow myself something “bad” on occasion without stressing out about it.


The problem is, that I DO stress out about it. I constantly worry that the one indulgence I allowed myself will undo all the hard work and effort I have put in. If I go over 1500 calories, or if I have a small bite of something that I don’t “count,” it will haunt me for days. And recently I have started working a couple of jobs which have kept me quite busy from about 7am to 7pm and my exercise regimen has become much more lax. I haven’t stopped exercising, but rather than my intense workout video I will now have a walk. I have felt like I am failing every day because of this. I have felt like I have stopped exercising, and now I am worried I won’t go back and I even feel guilty about that! Which is something I haven’t even done yet!


What is the most silly about all of it is that whatever indulgences I have allowed myself during the last few months have not derailed my progress! I am losing weight. I am under 200 pounds for the first time in….forever? I honestly don’t remember. I think it was about 10 years. (I remember being at the doctor on the doctor scale where they move the big piece and the little piece around until it is balanced and that is your weight. I have a distinct memory of the doctor having to move the big piece from the 150lb marker to the 200lb marker. Cue the end of my weighing myself ever.) To be honest I never really imagined I would ever be able to say I had lost any significant amount of weight, but I am. The guilt is completely unnecessary, and yet I feel sort of powerless to stop it. It is hard to stop thinking of certain foods as “bad” instead of just the choice you allowed yourself that day.


Food is food, and I have to eat it. I need to stop ranking it and just try to enjoy the experience. I need to have a little grace with myself and feel proud of what I have accomplished instead of afraid of losing it all.

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