There’s [not] an App for That

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that when attempting to find a romantic partner once must take to the internet — as we are too absorbed in swiping on our phones to look up and discover the cute girl smiling at us at the Thai place.

And yet, online dating — for those of us who have not mastered the arts of seduction in a single sentence alongside a hot bikini shot — is the worst!

When dating in real life, you might spend an hour or two picking out the correct outfit and studying things he likes so you can have a few things to talk about, “Yes, (insert hockey team) is completely (insert hockey adjective) I think (insert hockey player) had the most touchdowns that match.”

When putting yourself online, there’s no way to study. Yes. As previously stated, I have a people pleasing problem, so I spend hours writing my dating profiles trying to figure out which parts of myself would be the most attractive to the most amount of people. The best I have come up with is…

Must love Jesus and Star Wars (order not important).

Then I feel like I alienate a HUGE population of people, and wonder how better to include Star Trek lovers.

I nitpick at every single word and select every picture, making Ashley go over them with me like a bad eye exam — This one? Or this one? This? or This?

Online dating is the worst, and yes, I have tried many times and many platforms. Here’s how they went…

  1. — I went on Ok Cupid twice. First was in my first year out of college. I went on for a week, got completely freaked out by the concept of shopping for humans online and quit. The second time I went on and started chatting with a fellow who said he was a youth pastor. Then we talked on the phone. Everything seemed great, so we decided to meet up in person. We had a semi-awkward lunch and then took a stroll, whereupon he kept bumping his hand into mine and saying, “If you want to hold my hand so badly, you could just ask.” I was very confused by this as it was obvious that he was the one doing it. I did not find this charming. Then, I guess because he was a youth pastor, he brought up the concept of what it meant for a wife to “submit to her husband.” I told him what I thought about that Bible passage and let him know that I was a feminist. He looked me up and down and said, “Why don’t you tell me what you think that means, because I don’t think you are”… I wish I could tell you that I spit in his face, but I was so utterly stunned I not only continued the date, but to hold his hand.
  2. — Plenty of Fish is the same thing as Ok Cupid. It’s all a bunch of random messages all consisting of “hey.” I stare at the fifty “heys” in my inbox — I am bored to death already… I am turned on by intellect. My favorite thing I have ever read on a dating profile said, “Down to Hulu and Panic” — I thought it was the most hilarious thing I’d ever read. I like things that are clever. I live for a good conversation. I want to marry Ben Wyatt, Sam Seaborn, or Jim Harper.  Typing pointless conversations of “how was your weekend” online could not be less appealing. I also detest texting conversations. Texting is used for setting up an important meeting or checking to see when your roommate will be home so you can watch Nashville. Texting is not for getting to know someone. E-mailing is not for getting to know someone. “Hey” is no way to get to know someone.
  3. — First of all, E-Harmony is FREAKISHLY expensive. I could probably import a hand-crafted Irish boyfriend for six months worth of an e-harmony membership. Then it takes you on a maze of questions worthy of an FBI investigation simply to fill out the profile. THEN once you do get a match, you basically send Buzzfeed personality quizzes back and forth until you decide you belong in the same Hogwarts house so you can then FINALLY said the obligatory — “hey.” Stuff’n’nonsence!
  4. Tinder —  Please see my posts “Swiper No Swiping” and “Tindering my Resignation” for a complete report, but bottom line: “ghosted.”
  5. Coffee Meets Bagel — Okay… so Coffee Meets Bagel is a nice little phone app that is also the first app that gives you one to three matches a day and lets you list reasons why you rejected someone. I am generally game to go on one date with anyone (unless your profile picture is a bathroom selfie of you flipping off the camera in your underwear), so I always accept my matches. My first three days on Coffee Meets Bagel were spent being matched with guys that looked like Guardians of the Galaxy Chris Pratt: I was a little flabbergasted, I even let myself get a little excited… I don’t generally go for crazy amounts of muscles (I like scrawny nerdy guys or pudgy nerdy guys) but hey, try anything once, right? — None of them liked me back. But I sauntered on — not everyone can be everyone’s cup of tea. Then on day four and five I was only matched with Andy Dwyer Chris Pratt:  Now, I love my Chris Pratts in any form and variety, and again I generally prefer scrawny or pudgy, but I thought it seemed like a fairly abrupt switch, so I clicked on the “reject” button to see what the “reason” options were. I saw that “too fat” was on option…. I started to think that’s what happened– I was rated “too fat.” But I waited a few days to make sure my theory was correct. After nine other matches, none of them looked like the first ones I had been sent, they were all overweight (and still none matched me back anyway). I had been put in an overweight category — which again, I think pudgy is the best sexy — But I was hurt because I came to understand that the app had decided no one but overweight people would be interested in me… 
  6. Once — This app is exactly the same as Coffee Meets Bagel. I can’t remember the gimmick of why it said it was different, but it was the same. After being sent a weeks’ worth of matches and not one likely me back, I deleted it. A daily dose of rejection sent right to my phone every day at noon is not what my ego ordered.
  7. Hinge — this was my latest attempt. Hinge connects a world’s worth of your Facebook Friends and their Facebook Friends Facebook Friends to see if you have anything in common with anyone in the universe and then they send you matches. I have been on it three days. I have liked sixty people. No one has liked me back. HOWEVER I must say that they are the most attractive profile pictures I have ever seen — holy cow Facebook community, you are all holding out on me–your friends are HOT. Set. Me. Up. But thanks to my time at Coffee Meets Bagel (or you know, every time I walk into a club, coffee shop, or comic book store and no one glances up from their phones to say “hi”) the thoughts ring in my head “you’re too fat, that’s why they don’t like you” “you’re too fat, that’s why they don’t look up from their phones” “if you were hotter they would talk to you” “If you were thin, they’d want to know you” “You’re not worth knowing in size 16 pant.”

The truth is, online dating just feels like a mass platform from which to be told I’m not good enough and I KNOW I am better than that. It might be easy for my adorably thin friends to meet guys on whatever app they please — they probably get a plethora of likes in a day and have the pick of the litter. I do not. Whether real or imagined, my weight is a factor. I have had enough “heys” turn into “can you send a body shot” to know that, because if I send one–they stop messaging me, even if it’s a BAMF one like this:

Jan.-Emb Project-0021

I look AMAZING in that picture, but when every dating sight is filled with endless profiles of girls in bikinis who look like this:

You can see how it would be a bit discouraging.

So for all the people who have suggested different sites, I thank you, truly, but it’s just a different ball game and I’m not interested — instead, tonight I’m going to a Dodger’s game with a group of new friends. I’ve never been to a Dodger’s game before, but I hear guys go to things like that… Dodgers is sports right?

Weight: 202lbs  How do you feel?: Might be coming down with a cold, which feels ironic as it has been 97 degrees this weekend.  Small Victory: I lost weight after two days of Harry Potter land and therefore two days of Butter Beer last week  Biggest Disappointment: I had a binging night, it could have gone worse — I didn’t have anything truly binge-able in the house, but I still wish I had more control.   Thing I appreciated about my body this week: The soles of my feet. I slit my foot open and it is heeling very quickly.  #embraceablenow: I am a bad ass mother$#@&% who don’t take no &%$ from nobody!

2 Comments Add yours

  1. PattiP0414 says:

    You are an amazing, beautiful, independent and strong woman! Mr Perfect-for-You will come along when you least expect it. Notice I said Mr Perfect-for-You and not Mr Right or Mr Perfect? Neither of those two exist. However, I am a firm believer that there is Mr Perfect-for-You (or Ms Perfect-for-You) for everyone.

    When it happens, it will be like you’ve been blind-sided . . . but in a good way! I have faith and I believe it WILL happen

    ❤ ❤


  2. Laurie-ann says:

    You really don’t deserve this, you are an amazing, gorgeous and kind woman 🙂 and you look absolutely stunning, don’t let it get you down 🙂 with love xxx


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