Letting Go

Hello! I’m alive! Sorry for my (terribly long) absence. It turns out that what everyone says about planning a wedding is very true and those last few weeks just kept me impossibly busy.  But now, the wedding is over and I am back from my honeymoon and I am ready to rejoin the human race! So much has happened!

The week before the wedding I was also moving all my stuff down to my new home in Tustin where Glenn lives. I have moved at least once a year since college started, which means 10 moves in the last 10  years. At this point I hate moving, but I am familiar with it and the first thing I always do is go through all of my stuff and try to get rid of as much as possible.  The first step in this process is to try on literally all of my clothes.

This time this process was a little different.  A great deal of my clothes were pretty ill-fitting. I had lost 36 pounds at this point, but I was still generally wearing all the same clothes.  I had never realized how difficult it would be to let them go.

I did get rid of a giant pile of clothes, but even now I still find myself wondering if I’ll regret it.  What if I gain back all the weight and I need them? I worry about this regularly. It is still sometimes hard to imagine this as a lifestyle I can keep forever.  In the way I never really believed it would be possible for me to lose as much weight as I have, it also seems impossible that I could keep things this way and getting rid of all my “safety” clothes felt sort of scary.

I can see a difference in my body now, and I am so, so thankful for that, but I mostly feel the same. I still feel like the same person who loves to eat and hates to work out, and this whole journey feels like a precarious one. I think it will always feel that way. Which is funny, because I know that the reality is that I am in control of it. I choose what I eat and what I don’t. I choose whether to exercise or not. Those are the things that make the difference, and I am completely in control of them, but sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.  It feels like one day of bad eating (or perhaps a honeymoon’s worth…) could derail all my efforts and any new clothes I purchased would be too snug and I would find myself wishing I never gave away all those clothes I loved.

But I suppose that is just a risk I have to take. It is something that will have to motivate me to keep going. I have proven to myself that I can do it.

“I think I can, I think I can…”


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