It is my third week being steadily back on my Weight Watchers plan. I have attended three meetings and I have separated all of my Cheerio’s and chocolates into individual Ziplocks with my points written on the baggies. (1 cup Cheerio’s 3pts. 3 TJ’s Tahitian Vanilla Caramels 2pts). The first week, I was down two pounds and thrilled. The second “weigh in” I was up a pound, even though I ate less than the week before and tracked everything (even the midnight squirts of canned whipped cream that are my weakness [1pt 2Tablespoons]). At the end of the week I had 28 weekly points left (WW gives me 30 daily “points” and 42 weekly “points”) I usually eat all of my 42 weekly points, but this week I was in the zone and really trying hard. So it was very hard to see that I was up a pound. My wonderful leader Carol saw my disappointment and asked me what I ate that was salty the day before. I said roast green beans (as you all know they are my life’s staple). She said that shouldn’t have done it, but asked if I was about to start my period. I realized it was coming next week. “That’s it” She explained. Ugh, periods — I’ve already written about their detriment to weight loss (see my blog “Womanhood Sucks. Period.”) so I won’t continue, but truly, ugh, periods.
I decided however that I would not let myself be dissuaded. I was going to do it this time, I was in it for the long haul– for how much better I feel when I eat brussels sprouts instead of mac n’ cheese. I told myself that if this was going to be for life, the scale really couldn’t matter at all.
Then, I flipped over onto the Weight Watcher’s “connect” app, which is like Instagram but not as well made. It’s exclusively for WW’s members and people post pictures, recipes, etc… I went on and the first thing that came up was a before and after picture of someone who reached her goal weight. Usually these pictures drive me crazy, because of how they make the “before person” look. That’s why Ashley and I started this blog — to document ourselves in beauty “before” and “after.” But this time, I looked at the “after person” I really looked at her and I was able to see her differently. I was able to see her as myself. I started picture how I would look and how I would feel at “Goal.” I saw myself running and buying dresses at Anthropologie (with the millions of dollars I will magically earn). I saw myself not happier, not more confident, just healthier and thinner. I am good with the other stuff. I have an incredible life. I am beautiful. I feel confident and fulfilled, the only thing missing in my life is health– and it’s time to get that on track. So up a pound at my meeting (likely the result of eating an entire bag of brussels sprouts and a bag of green beans in one day) is a gift, because I weighed myself in the first place. I know where I’ve been and now I can see where I’m going…
Weight: 203lbs How do you feel?: Good. Onward and Upward Small Victory: My food is in labeled baggies and I did not go out and get mac n’ cheese after my weigh-in like I had planned. Biggest Disappointment: I did not exercise at all this week. Thing I appreciated about my body this week: My hair has been behaving very nicely this week. #embraceablenow: I took a silly Facebook quiz this week about “what fictional characters are you made up of” and I got Daenery’s Targaryen and Sansa Stark. At first when I got it I was like a) why are they both from the same series, no one else’s was b) Daenerys and Sansa could not be more different. Then I read the description:
The part that struck me was “You are strong, not because you do not feel weak, but because you pick yourself up every time you do.” I have struggled for a lot of years attempting to figure out where my “strength” went. When I was in High School I was impermeable. My freshman year and half of sophomore year of college I felt like I could conquer the world and never look back. Somewhere in college that changed — I started struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I have been doing much better with that in recent months, but I have always been ashamed that I was “toppled” — no longer strong. I know it’s silly to find such encouragement from a Facebook quiz, but I read that and I said to myself, “yes, that is true strength, and I have that.” Although I have a tendency to wallow in self-pitty. I am never down for long. That is where my strength is. It has not left me. It has simply gained the ability to be empathetic, feel deeply, and pick myself back up. I am #embraceablenow because I am Rachell Desert Born of House Campbell, first of her name, the curly haired, the queen of dramatic hyphens — and the ellipse… and the exclamation mark! Ruler of middle school children, tamer of kindergartners, and the breaker of her own chains, and mother of dying houseplants. And I am strong.