In January, I went back to school to get a teaching credential in English. I won’t bore you with the details, but it was hard. I took on too much, I got my heart a little broken, and I gained a lot of weight.
In the TV show Girls there’s a sobbing exchange that goes…
Hannah: We were all just doing our best.
Jessa: Our best was awful.
That about sums up this chapter of my life: I did my best, but my best was awful.
There are some things I rocked at. I rocked at teaching 6th grade and absolutely loved it. I made new friends. I learned how to write limericks. I found my life’s direction. I also gained 15lbs.
It is very hard for me to admit that. I consider it a great failing. Not only have I gained back the weight I lost through Embraceable, I gained seven new pounds, placing me at a new all-time high. These new pounds of me have also managed to erase a year’s worth of self-esteem building. All this to say… I have failed.
I have three biggest fears in life: aliens, wasps, and failure. I recently realized that these are all things you cannot control. I cannot control if our planet is going to be destroyed by an alien invasion. Wasps are vindictive S.O.B.s who attack you for fun and at random, so you cannot control them. You can control the circumstances of failure, but at the moment of your failure you lose control. You have failed. I have failed. I lost control.
This weight gain was the result of many factors. I went back to my old fast-food/take out habits, because I didn’t have time to make food. I was incredibly stressed, so I self-medicated with food. I was exhausted, which led to sugar. I can’t drink caffeine, so I get my energy from sugar. It became an easy crutch and there’s a Foster’s Freezes next to my house.
I also couldn’t exercise. Since the marathon, my foot has been in excruciating pain. I did not have enough time to exercise, but when I did and wanted to go for a run, my foot hurt too badly. This semester was the least I have ever exercised and possibly the most I have ever eaten.
15lbs heavier and a very hurt foot later… where do I go from here?
First, I needed to admit that I have a problem. So, here I am —
I have a problem.
Second, I need to get to a Weight Watcher’s Meeting. I haven’t been in a very long time.
Third, I need to give myself mercy.
It’s easy to beat ourselves up. It might even be our default setting, but what good does it do? Instead, I’m deciding to focus on what I did well these past few months. I was a great teacher, and… I got a job! I will be teaching 8th grade English in the fall. That was the objective of this chapter of my life, and I conquered it.
Now, it is summer. I want to spend this summer learning how to take care of myself. First year teaching is notoriously bad, and I want to be prepared. I am going to pre-freeze crock pot meals. I am going to learn to cook healthy, fast, and cheap. I am going to do everything in my power to heal my foot.
Mistakes were made these past six months, but I can’t dwell on the 15lbs I’ve gained or the 75lbs I now have to lose… I have to take it one step at a time in a forward direction.
“Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it, yet”
– Anne of Green Gables