There’s something truly beautiful in the idea that the human race is the only species who gets to constantly reinvent itself. Sure, finches adapt, but only humans improve. We become whole new people within our own lifetime.
This week was my first week of summer after the worst school year of my life–possibly the worst year of my life. I had more battles and challenges than I thought I could ever handle, and I came up better [and bruised] for it. Now I have two months of summer to prepare for another whirlwind year.
This summer I have only two goals: 1) get tan and 2) get healthy. “Get healthy” refers to mind, body, and spirit. I have a whole lot of healing to do.
Step One: I signed up for HealthyWage, an app where you bet yourself a certain amount of money that you will lose a certain amount of weight.
I am losing 70lbs by June 1st, 2019 and getting $2,000 for doing it. That’s losing slightly more than 1lb a week for a year.
Step Two: I went and ate spaghetti because it was all I had in my house.
Step Three: Sign up for life-affirming classes and clubs. This summer I am taking swing dancing lessons and signing up for book clubs.
Step Four: Check out the schedule at the YMCA. I love my YMCA membership. It has a wide variety of group exercise classes and a pool. If you’re looking for me this summer, I’ll be at the Y.
Step Five: Stop worrying about what I’m eating. That’s right. I’m quitting diets (including Weight Watchers). I will eat what I want when I want it, but it will be in moderate amounts. My biggest problem has always been scarcity and deprivation. If I simply eat when I am hungry, stop when I am full, and balance my meals between healthy and unhealthy, then I will lose weight. Telling myself I can’t have it will make me want it more. I am going to learn to cook healthy, quick meals with more vegetables. I will also still eat potato chips and drink beer.
Step Six: Find a therapist. I have an unhealthy relationship to body image, self-worth, men, and food. These are things that I need to figure out if I am ever going to actually be able to change my weight or my life.
Step Seven: Celebrate don’t deprecate. I am going to celebrate where I have been instead of constantly chucking it up to failure. No more “fail again; fail better.” No more “Tomorrow is a new day, fresh with no mistakes in it.” I have not failed. I look at the picture at the top of this post–a picture of me at the heaviest I have ever been. I weighed 225lbs, but I am not calling it a failure. It’s a beginning. I lost ten pounds this semester. That’s something to celebrate, but gaining those twenty-six pounds during the worst year of my life wasn’t failure, it was life. I celebrate my survival regardless of my side effects.
Step Eight: I am not posting my blogs on Facebook. I will still post them here, but I don’t want the pressure of knowing EVERYONE I love is watching me. It’s too much. I am still writing here because it helps me to process things if I write them down (and the website’s pretty). And I will post it because maybe it might help someone else, but this time this blog is for me.
And that’s my plan. Thank you for reading this and for supporting me. Here’s to a new beginning and to reinvention!